


As life goes on.

by InkedBreaker



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Rape, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Life Based, M/M, Mentions of Death, Multi, Real Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-05 05:46:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 16,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15857439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkedBreaker/pseuds/InkedBreaker
Summary: To understand the mediocrity of his life, one had to know the story from the very beginning.The tragic story of Byun Baekhyun. The dark past, the tears, and the fears.A story that sometimes seemed so "too much" that even Baekhyun wondered if it did all really happened (it did, unfortunately).Pairing : Chanyeol & BaekhyunMaybe more.Warning /!\ : Angst, death, rape, self harm, depression (?), bad grammar (probably), true story. English is not my first language. This is all very personnal.





	1. New born.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know, honestly. Sometimes you just need to say something, to do something, to write something. 
> 
> Here to help myself. 
> 
> Do not take pity. 

Baekhyun was born on a Thursday morning, in 1995, sun up in the sky and two little boys waiting for their little brother to finally arrive. One of them, Baekgyu was six years old, and the other, Baekbeom, celebrated his second birthday the day before that. 

 

Mama was happy, he thinks. 

Papa ? Who knows. Who cares.

 

__

He wasn’t planned. That’s one thing. Baekhyun was never planned. He just arrived, one day. Mama popped up a pregnancy test, and it turned out it was positive. 

__

Mama had a pretty shitty life, he learned when he was older, but that’s something we’ll come back to later on. 

__

 

Baekhyun, from the moment he was born, seemed to be a really fragile child. Being sick all the time, almost dying one night, when he couldn’t seem to breathe anymore. 

Seeing him turning blue, Mama called the family doctor, and the family doctor brought Baekhyun to the hospital, because no one else could drive them there. The family doctor was kind of an angel. Baekhyun always liked him a lot (he’d always gave out candies).

 

He was sick, a lot, but he never cried. Baekhyun wasn’t one to voice out his pain. That was something that never really changed, as he grew up. 

 

Turned out Baekhyun would be the last child Mama would have, and so his life started as the little one from his family. He was the baby of the siblings, and it was pretty obvious, by the tantrums he would have. _Baekhyun was a selfish child_. 

 

__

Growing up, two of the siblings were always together. It didn’t really matter that one of them was six years older, they were just never seen one without the other. Baekhyun loved his big brother more than anyone else in the world. Baekhyun looked up to him, Baekhyun loved him, Baekhyun wanted to be with him at all time, Baekhyun couldn’t imagine a world without him. 

Baekgyu was more than a brother. He was a hero. He was Baekhyun's entire universe. 

__

 

When he was a child, it never really occurred to him that their life was _kind of a nightmare_. Baekhyun was happy with his brothers, and his parents. He never really seemed to realize that his parents fighting wasn’t something normal. He never really seemed to understand that Baekgyu going out all night even though he was only _thirteen_ wasn’t something that happened in every family. And he never really seemed to understand that seeing his father scream at his mother’s face, and throw various objects at her was not happening in every households. He did cry and scream though, when his father grabbed his brand new piggy bank to throw it at his Mama.

He loved his piggy, he got it the day before that, that wasn’t fair. 

 

__

_Life wasn't fair._

__

 

Baekhyun wasn’t really aware that his family was kind of a social disaster, not even when they needed to get help to have something to wear. Not even when they couldn’t eat for days because they couldn’t offer to buy anything. 

 

Baekhyun was a happy child, or so he thinks. _It's not like he actually remembers._

 

 


	2. Growing.

Baekhyun did not realize that his father was a fucking asshole. He loved him. Really, Baekhyun loved everyone in his fucked up family, so it wasn't really a big surprise to find him sleeping in his father’s bed sometimes, while Mama was sleeping in Baekhyun’s because she couldn’t deal with her husband’s face anymore. Baekhyun slept in the same bed as Mama for several years, until one day, finally, Mama filed for a divorce. 

 

Baekhyun wasn’t sad to see him leave, because it felt like Mama was finally free, and Baekhyun loved seeing Mama free. The hatred against his father appeared around that time in Baekhyun’s heart. He wasn’t stupid, and things started to finally make sense in his mind. His parents weren’t in love. 

 

Baekhyun was still a child when his father moved out. He was _eight_ years old, still having fun at school, enjoying his life with his friends, and being one of the best in his class.

 

Baekhyun also remembered the time when Baekgyu left elementary school to start middle school. He mostly remembered all the time his big brother would skip class to come and see him at the school gate, and the way every single one of his friends loved seeing him come because he was super funny (Baekhyun was kind of jealous because, damn, it was _his_ brother).

 

A year passed like that, and Baekhyun was finally _nine_ years old.

The day before that, Baekbeom became a year older as well, and was now seeing the world from his eleven years old height. 

The older sibling was fourteen (his birthday was in November, so he still had some time before he’d turned fifteen). 

 

Just before his birthday though, Baekhyun had to accept to see Baekgyu leave the house to live in some kind of youth detention center, because apparently he had some troubles with the law ? (Baekhyun knew he was having fun with his friends, he never really knew what kind of fun they had). Seeing his big brother go away wasn’t easy for him, but he knew it was for the best, because soon, Baekgyu would come back and stay with them and he would never be in any kind of trouble ever again. Baekhyun was optimistic. 

 

__

Baekhyun should have known.

For all the time his brother would come home with a brand new bike.

For all the time his brother would punch the wall and make a hole in it.

For all the time his brother was coming back home, a policeman on the left, a policeman on the right.

For all the time Baekhyun heard Mama scream at him.

For all the time Baekgyu talked to her like she was nothing, swearing at her face and insulting her.

__

 

Baekhyun should have known.

For all the time he was playing with Baekgyu, Baekhyun should have seen. 

But he was a child.

 _And Baekhyun never saw anything_.

 

  
  



	3. Summer.

Soon enough, it was July 2004, and Baekhyun and his brother were enjoying the sun, going outside, and fishing in the river just down the road. (Baekhyun liked fishing, but he hated touching the worms). The summer was going pretty well, and the little boy knew that Baekgyu was coming back home for the weekend. _Baekhyun was happy_. 

 

On the 17th, his brother was finally home, and the three siblings went out all day, riding their bikes, playing with the dog and chilling near the river. Everything was going well, and _Baekhyun was happy_.

 

On the 17th, around 6pm, his older brother asked Mama if he could leave the house because one of his best friend was throwing a party for his birthday. Mama said yes, because for the first time in years, Baekgyu was being polite and nice with her. Seemed like the youth detention center was actually working. _Baekhyun was happy_.

 

When time to leave has came, his big brother was unusually kind with all of them, and he kissed Mama on the cheek. Then he kissed Baekbeom on the cheek. And then came Baekhyun’s turn. The older left the house after kissing him as well, _and Baekhyun was even happier_. 

 

__

 

And maybe Baekgyu just knew.

And maybe they all should have seen the signs.

But it's too goddamn late now.

_And Baekhyun can only regret._

 

 


	4. Wish.

On the 18th, the music was blasting through the walls, and the party was going really well, Baekhyun thought. He was only nine, but it was the second time Baekgyu’s friends came to their home to have fun.

Mama was a really nice woman, who could easily talk to anyone, and his brother’s friends were all around eighteen (his friends were old, Baekhyun thought sometimes). Baekgyu wasn’t home, but Mama wasn’t really worried. They were all used to it. 

 

Mama drank a lot,  _probably,_ more than unsually. (Mama was always drinking, _that Baekhyun knows_.) And Mama smoked. Baekhyun was worried, because Mama seemed sick, so he helped her going to bed, and lied down next to her, being careful, and taking care of her all night, just in case she was feeling bad. Baekhyun loved Mama. 

 

__

_Baekhyun was nine years old._

__

 

On the 19th, his brother’s friends left the house early in the morning, before 7am, and the family of three slept until 10am.

 

__

_Baekhyun was still taking care of Mama._

__  

 

They were all in the living room when, through the window, Baekhyun saw two policemen walking to the front door. Baekhyun shouldn’t have been worried, it wasn’t the first time policemen came to their house (his big brother _did_ stupid things to end up in youth detention center), but it felt like something was wrong, and as Mama went out to talk to them, Baekhyun felt his heart beating faster. Mama’s face was turning blank. Mama’s face was slowly losing colors. Mama’s heart fell to her feet. Something was wrong, and Baekhyun was scared.

Mama came back inside and sat down between her two sons. Baekbeom looked at her, and just like Baekhyun, he saw that something was wrong, and he wanted Mama to smile, so he tried what he thought was a joke.

 

" Hey, what’s going on, is someone dead ? " 

 

Mama didn’t find it funny. The tears went down her face, drowning her cheeks, breaking her heart, and Baekhyun’s muscle stopped in his chest. Soon enough, in the middle of the living room, Mama and her two sons were crying their hearts out, almost screaming, never really able to breathe properly, without exchanging a single word, because they didn’t need to speak to understand. 

 

__

Baekhyun's life was falling down, without even a word.

His heart, his chest, his lungs, his eyes. Baekhyun was feeling like dying.

_He wished._

 

 

__

 

The policemen didn’t really seem to care, as they started searching the house for something, but it didn’t seem like they found anything. 

Mama and her two sons were still crying.

The policemen drove the family of three to the police station, and the two boys stayed outside as Mama walked in, probably to talk.

Baekhyun and his brother stopped crying. What about Mama ? They haven’t seen her all day long.

Baekhyun had a comic book between his hands, because the policemen told the siblings to bring something to have fun. (To have _fun)._  

 

That Monday, on the 19th of July, _Baekhyun never ever once opened his Smurfs comic book_. 

That Monday, on the 19th of July, _Baekhyun realized he lost the person that he loved the most._

That Monday, on the 19th of July, _Baekhyun wished he would die. Disappear. Leave._

_Wake up._

 

 

 


	5. Cry.

—

Baekhyun stopped counting how many times he felt like a coward. 

—

 

At nine years old, Baekhyun was robbed of his childhood when two teenagers decided to push a knife into his brother’s back. 

 

_Not once._

_Not twice._

 

Baekhyun read all about it when he was fifteen. He read all about it when he found the papers.

Baekhyun shouldn’t have read about it, but he did. 

 

Baekhyun read all about the way they tried to make it seems like something else.

Like they weren't guilty.

Like they didn't take that knife, these platic bags, with them, and lure his brother in a empty field.

 

Baekhyun read all about how they said it was about cigarettes. 

He read the lies.

He read everything.

He read about the marks on his brother's bare back.

About the way they took of his clothes to make people believe it was all about sex.

Baekhyun read everything.

And Baekhyun hated himself even more because Baekhyun shouldn’t have read about it, but he did. 

How it all happened.

 

__

At nine years old, Baekhyun went to his very first funerals. 

 

Baekhyun had a pink shirt.

 

_He didn’t cry._

 

There was a lot of people.

 

_He didn’t cry._

 

His father was there.

 

_Mama cried._

 

They had to say goodbye.

 

_Baekbeom didn’t cry._

 

Mama was devastated. 

 

_Baekhyun didn’t cry._

 

 

 


	6. Too young.

—

Baekhyun stopped counting how many times he imagined how _he would kill himself._  

There were a lot of options, but Baekhyun was _nine_ years old, he didn’t know them.

—

 

_A year passed, and Baekhyun was dead inside._

 

—

Baekhyun was ten years old, _he wanted to leave_ , nothing really mattered anyway. He saw some options in movies, but still, Baekhyun was a coward, and he was too afraid to do it, even though every part of him was screaming at him to _just give up already._

—

 

_A second year passed, and Baekhyun was dead inside._

 

__

Baekhyun was eleven, and he was watching TV. Mama was always watching that show, and Baekhyun never really liked it (Baekhyun didn’t really like anything). Four guys walked in, and suddenly, Baekhyun was fascinated by the song.

__

 

_Just like that, he found something that mattered, and Baekhyun felt something inside._

 

__

 

There was a big hole in Baekhyun memories.

About everything that happened during those two entire years. 

Baekhyun never really tried to remember.

Because even though there wasn't anything clear, all the feelings, that, he knew.

From all the pain.

All the tears.

All the regrets.

All the guilt.

As he was a child, but Baekhyun was so full.

Not empty.

But so so full.

Anger.

Sadness.

Anger.

Hatred.

Anger.

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

And not even once, Baekhyun felt like a child. _Ever. Again._

 

 

 

 


	7. Jump.

Baekhyun was eleven when mama reconnected with her long lost brother, and the family of three moved out. Baekhyun cried because he didn’t want to leave, but he didn’t really had a choice. They went far away from their home, and they had to ride all night long to finally arrive at their new house. Baekbeom called dibs on the biggest room. Baekhyun didn’t really care, it was 4am, at the beginning of December, he was tired, cold and he wanted to sleep.

 

Having the biggest room didn't even matter anyway.

Nothing really did.

_Apart from that band._

 

The siblings had to start fresh in a new school, and Baekhyun wasn’t really nervous about it. His big brother wasn’t showing anything, Baekhyun didn’t know how he felt. (He never really knew anything about him except for the fact that he loved to play Pokemon on his gameboy. The two hated each other. They would sometimes throw chairs at each other’s faces when they were in the same room for too long. That was the price to pay for leaving Baekbeom out when Baekhyun was playing with Baekgyu. Now, Baekhyun was just alone.) 

 

The first day of school was pretty easy on Baekhyun. He was wondering how he ended in that school, ‘cause the teacher in front of him was pretty weird, but it was not that bad. 

Baekhyun didn't really care about school anyway.

 

A lot of other students asked him who was the boy who came with him, and they never believed Baekhyun when he told them he was his brother. 

 

" Noooo, he can’t be your brother ! He looks nothing like you. "

 

At the time, Baekhyun didn’t know they didn’t have the same father. And no matter how they hated each other, _he still was his brother_. 

 

" Yes, he is my brother. "

 

Between classes, people would talk to him, and soon he found out that one of the boy in his class was his neighbor. After that day, the two boys would be together most of the time until the end of the school year. Sometimes, Baekhyun would be over at his new best friend’s place for days. Nobody never knew that Baekhyun was still on the verge to leave the world. Nobody never knew that Baekhyun was also beginning to feel something again. They just didn’t know what happened in his life. 

 

__

Baekhyun never once talked about the pain.

__

 

As time went by, Baekhyun and Baekbeom started to grow closer.

They didn't have anyone else, they had already lost a brother.

__

 

Baekhyun was eleven, and he didn't really know what music could mean to anyone.

The band was still constantly in his mind. 

A new song was out.

And Baekhyun felt like they just knew.

Like they were talking to him.

And who was he to deny them ?

 

`..I scream into the night for you`  
..Don't make it true  
..Don't jump  
..The lights will not guide you through  
..They're deceiving you  
..Don't jump  
..Don't let memories go  
..Of me and you  
..The world is down there out of view  
_Please don't jump._

 

__ 

 

Baekhyun felt like maybe it could become bearable to stay.   
And so Baekhyun took their hand. 

 

 

 


	8. Light.

Baekhyun's new friendship went on for months, and then, it was summer break. His new friend, Sungyul left town for two months, and as the new school year showed its face, the nice guy that was his neighbor wouldn’t talk to him anymore. It took Baekhyun months to figure out that someone had been talking about him around the school. And for the entire year, Baekhyun was alone. The breaks between lessons were torture, and he felt worthless. Baekhyun was falling again. _But there still was that band, with its music, and Baekhyun grabbed their hands and drowned in their lyrics._

 

He was thirteen when he found new friends. One of them was a guy in his class, and they talked about cats during PE. Just like that, their friendship began. They were from different backgrounds, but it didn’t matter, because they both loved cats, and so the year started to feel brand new. 

__

Baekhyun was jealous. He didn’t like the boy who was taking all of his new best friend’s attention. He didn’t like how Hanseol suddenly started to like mangas and animes. He didn’t like the way it felt like he was gonna be alone _again._  

__

 

_Still, there was that music band, and Baekhyun was listening to their songs on repeat because it was still the only reason his heart started to beat properly again._

 

As weeks passed by, Baekhyun started to understand that the new guy wasn’t that bad. Jongdae was even pretty cool. They found a common ground, when they realized that they both loved a certain band. And just like that, just because _they_ existed, Baekhyun had a new friend.

 

After a few months, Baekhyun reconnected with Sungyul. Their friendship was really different from what it was during his first year of middle school, because Baekhyun’s trust wasn’t there anymore, but it still felt like he had a friend. 

 

Sungyul, as time went by, was becoming more and more in love with a certain actor. Baekhyun started to like him as well, seeing tons and tons of videos and posters in his friend’s room. Johnny Depp became a part of their everyday life, and soon enough, Sungyul just handed him a new life on a tray. ( _It was wise to note that, at that particular moment in his life, Baekhyun did not have access to the Internet, nor did he own a computer._ ) Sungyul introduced what was name fanfiction to Baekhyun, and the boy was falling so fast that he didn’t even see it coming. Baekhyun was still thirteen, and was admiring how his friend could write so beautifully and effortlessly about Pirates of the Caribbean. He was so taken in Sungyul’s stories, that he wanted to be a part of it. 

 

(Baekhyun, that year, asked for a computer.)

 

__

It took time before he finally got one.

__

 

Baekhyun fell head down first into a whole new world.

And a new life began for him.

 

That band and his friend's fanfictions were all he would look up on the Internet.

 

For a few weeks. 

 

 

 

 


	9. Blade.

That particular music band was still the biggest part of his life, and so, he started to grow closer to Jongdae. To be honest, they did not really have any other common interests, and most of their conversations were about that band, but it felt good, and it never occurred to them that they maybe needed more than that. That friendship couldn't be built on something so weak. (Baekhyun never thought that it was weak. That band was everything to him. It was pretty damn serious.)

 

Until one day, Jongdae, a manga in his hands, and hearing Baekhyun saying that he didn’t like animes, looked at him and practically begged him to at least watch FullMetal Alchemist on TV. Baekhyun whined, and went home. The very next day, Baekhyun entered his classroom, screaming at his friend that he would kill him, ‘cause it was so good that he couldn’t stop thinking about it, and _needed_ to see all of the episodes. A smug smile appeared on Jongdae's face, because he _knew_. 

 

What Jongdae didn’t know, at that time, was that Baekhyun would start with FullMetal Alchemist, and end up being a full on fan of Japan. Mangas, animes, traditions, and music included. Jongdae didn’t know, at that time, that Baekhyun would be the one making him discover new things about Japan, like Antiku Cafe, S.U.G, and so much more. Jongdae didn’t know, at that time, that Baekhyun would be the closest friend he’d have for at least the ten years to come.

Baekhyun wouldn’t have guessed it either, to be completely honest. There were still times when he found Jongdae unbearable.

 

__

Baekhyun was thirteen, and Jongdae was a year older.

Jongdae could play the piano, and draw like an artist (in Baekhyun's opinion).

Sometimes, Baekhyun felt like Jongdae was craving for anyone's attention.

Always trying to make people say something about him.

How good he was.

How beautiful he was.

How talented he was.

Baekhyun hated that.

 

Sometimes, without warning, Jongdae would grab something in his bag and go to the bathroom. 

Baekhyun never really thought anything about it.

 

Baekhyun was an idiot, most of the times.

A smiling, and laughing idiot.

A brilliant idiot, who would never tell anyone how bad he felt.

 

And sometimes, Jongdae would come back from the bathroom, rubbing his sleeve against his forearm, frowning, and not saying anything. 

 

Again, Baekhyun was an idiot, most of the times.

 

Jongdae never once talked about it.

 

Maybe it was easier for Baekhyun to play the fool.

 

Jongdae once invited Baekhyun to come to his music class. Baekhyun said yes. He loved music. He wanted to learn the piano. Or the guitar. Or maybe even the drums. 

It felt like the piano was the easiest though.

 

At the end of the class, Baekhyun and Jongdae were waiting outside for Jongdae's dad to show up and bring them back home. 

Jongdae excused himself, smiled to Baekhyun, and walked away for a few minutes.

 

Maybe for once Baekhyun didn't want to play the fool.

 

It wasn't like he was watching Jongdae. It was just that he could see him.

Even behind the trees, and the bushes.

There wasn't really anything to block his view.

_He wasn't watching, he just saw him._

The way Jongdae pulled something out of his bag. 

Lifted up his left sleeve.

Started cutting.

The way the blood started to form in little bubbles on Jongdae's skin.

_It's not that Baekhyun was watching._

_Baekhyun could just see him._

His overly confident friend, taking the pain away, by hurting himself.

 

When Jongdae came back to him, Baekhyun didn't say anything. He was, maybe, looking at the way Jongdae was pulling on his sleeve to hide his forearm a bit more. And, maybe, Baekhyun was looking at his friend's bag, knowing exactly where to find what he knew caused the pain. And, perhaps, Baekhyun wanted to grab the bag, throw the blade away and shake his friends by the shoulders.

But maybe, also, Baekhyun wanted to grab the blade, run home, and take his own pain away. 

For a few minutes.

Or forever.

 

 

__

As today, there were no scar on Baekhyun's forearms.

He's always been a coward.

Maybe he was thankful for that. 

 

 

 

 


	10. Letter.

Slowly, but surely, Baekhyun started to write his own Fanfiction, on a piece of paper, before giving it to Jongdae, and soon enough, the boys were both writing about their favorite band, the one who brought them together, during breaks, and free times. 

Baekhyun slowly started to realized how much he loved writing. How good it felt. How unbelievably amazing it was.

 

__

Baekhyun wanted to do that every day. 

__

 

Sungyul, one day, told him that he was dating someone, and Baekhyun had no doubt about who it could be. After a few minutes, a deep breath, and Sungyul looking for the correct way to say it, his friend finally let the words leave his mouth.

 

" I’m dating Henry. I’m gay. "

 

It didn’t occur to Baekhyun that Sungyul could be afraid of telling him, because Baekhyun was a 100% sure that they would start dating, and he was just waiting for it to happen. It just seemed natural to him, so Baekhyun smiled his brightest smile, and the days went on.

 

__

Baekhyun, at thirteen, discovered what Yaoi was, reading a fanfiction on some blog, about his favorite Japanese band, An Cafe. 

Baekhyun didn't really think it was a big deal, two boys together.

Baekhyun just loved how they were in love.

__

 

Baekhyun was a chubby boy. It is something that should be pointed out. Baekhyun never really cared about it until middle school, ‘cause in middle school, people were just mean sometimes. Boys would insult him, girls wouldn’t even look at him, and Baekhyun would just see the people around him starting to grow up and dating. Baekhyun wasn’t one of them. 

Baekhyun, in middle school, was not even interested in dating. 

To be completely honest, Baekhyun never really was interested in love, because Baekhyun never really knew what love was.

Never seen it.

Never lived with it.

Never felt it.

Not the kind of love from the movies.

Not the kind of love from the books.

And certainly not the kind of love from the fanfictions.

 

Her name, just like everything about her, Baekhyun thought, was nice. 

It sounded nice.

It _felt_  nice. 

Han Mee Na. 

 

She was a year older than him, and Baekhyun had never talked to her before. He'd seen her, obviously. They would meet sometimes, in the corridors between lessons, and during the breaks. But there was never anything. She was just another face passing by.

 

But she made them stop.

Laughing.

Insulting.

She made them stop, and she smiled.

Nicely.

Sweetly.

She made them stop, she helped, and she made him laugh.

And just like that, Baekhyun was swept off his feet. 

 

He never thought about love before.

And Baekhyun didn't even know if it was love.

But she was funny. She was nice.

She was nice.

She was funny.

She looked at him.

She smiled.

And she was _so funny. So nice._

 

Maybe, after all, Baekhyun knew it was love.

 

__

Baekhyun didn't really know what to do with that new piece of information. 

He couldn't talk about it to Jongdae, it didn't feel like they were  _close_  like that.

He couldn't talk about it to Hanseol, because somewhere during the year, his new friend just decided he didn't want to be friend with him anymore. He found someone more interesting, and so he left him. Baekhyun was used to it by now, people leaving him, so it didn't feel like it was worth talking about it. (Sometimes Baekhyun did feel like it was worth grabbing a blade. But he was a coward. And he was thankful. Don't jump, _they said._ ) 

Baekhyun needed to talk about it to someone.

Sungyul trusted him. Baekhyun knew he was the only one Sungyul talked to about Henry.

So Baekhyun wrote a letter. There was no way he would say something like that to his face. He wasn't ready to face Sungyul, and tell him.

A letter. A letter was good. A letter meant writing, and writing, that, Baekhyun knew how to do.

He gave it to Sungyul just before he left school for lunch, and that day, Baekhyun barely touched his plate.

When Sungyul came back, he didn't really say anything to Baekhyun.

He smiled his brightest smile, and the day went on.

 

Baekhyun knew he could trust him.

And so his love for Mee Na grew even more.

For quite a long time.

 

 

__

Baekhyun was an idiot, sometimes.

Even more of a fool when he was in love.

He knew it, at least. 

 

 

 

  
  



	11. Streets.

Being in love didn't really change anything in Baekhyun's life, he was still the same idiot who never once said anything about his friend's forearms, and who was obsessed with a certain band.

 

__

On a really sunny day, in April, Jongdae didn't really had any other choice than to take off his jacket. 

Maybe, indeed, Baekhyun was the kind of idiot who couldn't see things when they were just in front of his nose, but that day, it just all started to make sense in his head.

It didn't take more than a few seconds to realize how Jongdae's scars were identical to Mama's.

It didn't take more than a few seconds, to understand that Mama's life had been hard before he was born.

Before he even was existing.

Before any of his siblings were alive. 

Mama didn't want to talk about it, when Baekhyun asked.

Mama didn't want to talk about the scars.

__

 

Baekhyun learned, later, that when she was younger, Mama was living in the streets, with her three other children.

Baekhyun had a big sister, and two brothers. Apparently.

And Mama haven't seen them since the younger was three years old.

Mama was living in the streets, and they took her babies away.

Baekhyun, from his thirteen years old's perspective could understand why.

He didn't understand though, why they left Mama in the streets. 

 

__

Maybe knowing how Mama was suffering on the inside, made Baekhyun realized that he didn't got it as bad as he thought.

Or maybe it made him wonder if he was the problem, as it seemed like every person around him were hurting themselves, in a way.

It felt selfish to think that everything was his fault, because the world didn't revolve around him.

And it felt wrong to think that he wasn't at fault 'cause who was he to say that he wasn't a problem ?

Baekhyun was lost. 

Seemed like demons were hard to kill.

__

 

__

Baekhyun didn't want to make Jongdae uncomfortable. He didn't want to ask why. Or when it did start. He didn't want to be the one to make him break down and cry.

Baekhyun just let him know that he knew about the blade.

And Jongdae, after a few weeks, was talking about his life like Baekhyun was his best friend.

Jongdae never hid in the bathroom again.

Not until he was 17.

__

 

 

Jongdae and Baekhyun never once stopped talking about their common interests. They never once stopped writing fanfictions together, and they never once stopped listening to the same music.

As time was running, Baekhyun and Jongdae grew closer, and they started to hang out with a guy from their class, Minhyuk.

Soon, the three boys would never be seen one without the other, and Baekhyun, sometimes, almost forgot that he was in pain.

Almost. Until he would go home, and would be alone again.

Then Jongdae would chat with him online, and everything would be kind of okay again. 

Baekhyun's life was easy, if you asked him.

He was happy, kind of (he wasn't sure what happiness felt like), when he was around people, and he was sad, depressed, and on the verge of giving up, when he was alone. 

Then there was their music, it felt like oxygen was feeling up his lungs, and he would often fall asleep, his phone blasting up the lyrics that made him stay.

 

 __

No one never asked Baekhyun if he was okay, because Baekhyun was always smiling.

Always laughing.

Always joking.

Truth be told, Baekhyun was the funny guy of the group.

Jongdae was the pretty one.

Minhyuk was the smart one.

Still, Baekhyun wasn't stupid.

Working, homeworks, studying. He just never really knew how to do that. Baekhyun would just come home, and write. Chat with Jongdae, and write. Be in school, and write.

Baekhyun wrote. It's all he could do.

 

 

Baekhyun, from his overweight body, red cheeks, and round face, never thought he was ugly. He never really thought he was handsome either.

Then came middle school, and it just kind of doomed on him, that he was not what people would call beautiful.

Fat, yes.

Big, yes.

Disgusting, yes.

But beautiful, it never happened.

It was painful, to hear it. 

It was also painful to not be able to wear the clothes he liked.

And it was painful to know that Mee Na would never looked at him like _that_.

But Baekhyun wouldn't say anything about it. And just like when he was a baby; pain would crush him, and he would never cry. It was just easier this way, he thought.

It was even easier to pretend that what people said didn't affect him one bit.

And just like that, Baekhyun became the strong one.

The one who didn't care.

Who didn't give a fuck.

And the one who had enough self confidence that no one could break him down.

Baekhyun never once said he loved himself.

He would joke, saying people were jealous.

He would say he didn't give a shit about what they would think.

He never said he loved himself.

 

__ 

Baekhyun broke down more than a couple of times. Not that anyone cared. (Not that anyone knew. _Know_.).

__ 

 

No one ever asked Baekhyun if he was okay, and so Baekhyun started asking everyone around him if they were.

He knew how to hide the pain. He possibly couldn't be the only one.

He knew what it was like to feel useless. He didn't want anyone else to feel that way.

They never asked him.

Baekhyun would ask them.

Several times a day. Just to be sure.

_Just in case._

 

 

 

  
  



	12. Goodbye, hello.

Baekhyun was a hugger, with some people.

Sungyul was one of them.

Jongdae wasn't, neither was Minhyuk. It is just the way it was.

Baekhyun liked to hug Sungyul, and Sungyul would hug him back.

They would also hold hands sometimes, when it was really cold and they needed some warmth. Just to feel better.

 

It came quite as a shock to him, when Sungyul said he didn't want to hug anymore.

He could understand that Sungyul was now in a relationship.

He could understand that Henry could be jealous.

He could understand that it made them feel uncomfortable.

But Baekhyun hated the fact that Sungyul, who was the only one who knew how much he loved Mee Na, just decided to push him away 'cause Baekhyun was..in love with him ?

The thought was ridiculous. Almost laughable. 

Baekhyun didn't laugh though, because Sungyul was dead serious. 

 

They never talked again, after that day.

Sungyul just kept him away from his life, and Baekhyun just drowned a bit more in his passions, to forget the pain.

Twice, Sungyul abandonned him.

Twice, and Baekhyun thought that maybe he should stop trusting people.

 

__

He never stopped.

__

 

The school year went by pretty fast, after that. 

Jongdae, Minhyuk and Baekhyun would, almost every day, after school, go to Minhyuk's house to eat crêpes, and laugh, joke around and laugh more.

Sometimes they'd just stay on the parking lot, near Minhyuk's place, talking and talking until 7pm. That wasn't serious. They should have been home. But who could stop them ?

Minhyuk was always the first one to go. He wanted to do his homeworks. Properly.

After that, Jongdae and Baekhyun would sometimes stay a bit longer, and when time came, Baekhyun would turn around and walk back home, some lyrics screaming about love, heartbreak and pain in his ears. 

 

__

A new guy came into the picture, when they started high school. Jongdae knew him. He was friend with him, on and off, since they started middle school. 

Baekhyun knew him as well, 'cause he was the guy who mocked Hanseol for going out with Sun-Hi, when they were in 7th grade. Baekhyun and Hanseol used to make fun of his lisp when Hyun-Seok was mocking Hanseol.

He was also the guy who dated Mee Na, for a few months, during 8th grade. 

__

 

 

Baekhyun didn't like him.

Until he started hanging out with him.

Hyun-Seok was a funny guy.

In fact, Hyun-Seok might have been the funniest guy Baekhyun has ever known, at the time.

 

They didn't really have anything in common. 

Hyun-Seok was handsome, cute, and had dated loads of girls. He would listen to artists like Eminem, or even 50 Cents.

Baekhyun kind of liked Eminem, because Baekgyu was also a big fan of him, so growing up, he heard his music, but his tastes were quite different. 

Baekhyun's walls were covered with posters. From Sum 41, to Blink 182, Green day, My Chemical Romance or Fall Out Boy. And most of all, _that band_.

Hyun-Seok like to be loved. He liked when girls were around him. He liked to be _seen_. 

And soon enough, Baekhyun would learn that Hyun-Seok would also like to have sex. A lot.

 

Jongdae wasn't really friend with Hyun-Seok anymore, but it wasn't that big of a deal for Baekhyun, really. 

Hyun-Seok had rapidly became his best friend, and so they were always together, laughing without a care in the world. 

That was the point in his life when Baekhyun started to feel like everything was finally falling into place. 

He was, he thought, kind of happy. 

There was always a shadow, somewhere behind him, but at least Hyun-Seok's laugh and smile were there to brighten up his day and keep the darkness away.

 

__ 

Hyun-Seok changed school for a while, but came back rather quickly.

That might have been the start of the fall. 

__

 

 

  



	13. Trip.

Maybe it would be a good idea to let one know what happened during the summer just before high school.

 

Jongdae, as every other summers, was gonna go to summer camp.

It was kind of a tradition for him. He had loads of fun the previous years, and a lot of friends there too. 

The thing was, his best friends from camp wouldn't go that year, and Jongdae was reluctant to go as well, thus, months before, he asked Baekhyun if the guy could come with him.

Baekhyun asked Mama, and to be honest, he knew it was kind of a tricky situation 'cause going to summer camp wasn't free, and that year, in school they were supposed to go to England. 

Mama didn't have the money to send him to both of those trips, and so Baekhyun had to make a choice. 

 

__

Summer Camp with Jongdae was..crappy.

Jongdae himself was disappointed. He used to love it there, but maybe he was now too old for it.

They were the oldest, and Baekhyun felt so out of place that the only thing he could do to not feel so alone was to pass time on his phone, listening to some music, letting Escape The Fate scream into his ears while writing, _again_.

Jongdae, even though he didn't enjoy it like the previous years, still had fun with the other teens. One of the girl was flirting with him so badly,

and Jongdae enjoyed it. He ended up dating her ( _for a day_ ).

 

After one of the adults asked Baekhyun to stop being on his phone or he would have to take it away, Baekhyun had no other choice but to listen to the nonsense the other kids were talking about. 

It's not that he felt like he was better than them ( _far from that, actually_ ), it's just that he couldn't really understand how smoking ( _kind of_ ), drinking ( _they said they liked to do so_ ), and making fun of other people was cool. 

Baekhyun had done that before, it never made him look cool.

Smoking a cig ? Scratch that. He once found Baekgyu's pack of cigarettes when he was 7 years old, and Baekhyun was no foul. Mama smoked. Baekgyu smoked. And his father did as well. He knew what they were for. So he gave it a try, and ended up smoking the entire pack. (Well, smoking is a big word. Baekhyun never really knew what to do after putting the cig between his lips and lighting it up. He was a kid.) 

What about drinking ? Mama drank all the time. Baekhyun knew what kind of trouble alcohol meant. Plus, his father made him taste wine when he was like 3 years old, and Baekhyun didn't have a good memory of that. 

Baekhyun, form age 12, already told Mama that he would never smoke or drink. 

Mama was kind of happy to hear him say that.

 

During night time though, Baekhyun, Jongdae, and two other boys were all sharing a tent. 

As Jongdae was talking to the others, Baekhyun wasn't going to ignore them, so he joined the conversation.

Night had that kind of power on him. It felt like he could actually say anything he wanted to.

One of the other guy, Baekhyun learned, knew Mee Na, because she was dating one of his friend.

It didn't take long for the chubby guy to finally admit that he was in love with her. It didn't feel like it was big deal at the time, because he was going to be in high school and never see her again, so there wouldn't be any awkwardness between them, or any rejection, for that matter.

 

__

Baekhyun hated himself, when a few days after he came back home, Mee Na opened a chat room and asked him if it was true. If he was indeed in love with her.

He hated himself because _why the fuck_ would he even admit it to someone he barely knew ? (Again, he thought maybe he should stop trusting people so easily.)

It hit him again though (after a mental breakdown), that he wasn't wrong when he thought he would never see her again. There was actually nothing to fear, because Mee Na wasn't gonna be in the same high school. There were so many choices. Why would she be there ?

So Baekhyun took a big gulp of air, and after what felt like an eternity, answered her that _yes, he was indeed in love with her_.

__

 

He wasn't expecting Mee Na's boyfriend to make fun on him on Mee Na's Facebook wall.

Nor was he expecting Mee Na to show up at his front door a few days later, asking him where he was gonna be in high school, and telling him that she was going to same place. 

 

__

Baekhyun, in high school, wasn't particularly popular. 

Jongdae wasn't either, but he was a pretty handsome guy, so he did have the attention of the mass.

They made a few friends, and they had fun, no matter what happened.

__

 

Baekhyun, for his 14th birthday, asked Mama for a piercing.

He started high school with a jewel on the right part of his face, just under his lips. Baekhyun thought it was kind of cool. It looked like he was kind of a grown up. 

 

 

High school wasn't bad. 

He was one of the best of his class, without even trying, and everyday, he had fun with Jongdae.

The worse thing about high school, at the time, was to wake up early to catch the 7am bus.

 

The really good thing about high school, was how Mee Na would take the same bus as Jongdae and Baekhyun to go back home in the end of the day. 

It was how Mee Na and Baekhyun would constantly be laughing and having fun together in the bus.

It was how, that time, when someone told Mee Na that her boyfriend, _Baekhyun,_ needed her help, she didn't deny anything, and just kept doing whatever it was she was doing. (Baekhyun thought his heart was going to explode)

What Baekhyun loved about high school, was how Mee Na would sit in front of him and let him play with her hair during class. 

He didn't like it, when Mee Na told him, during one of their lesson, that she was going to move out the next summer. 

But he loved the way Mee Na asked him if he was going to miss her, and how, when he said yes, she promised to come and say goodbye to him before leaving.

 

High school was doing something on Baekhyun's heart, and on his hope.

Mee Na was telling him things about her family, and he never felt closer to her. 

Baekhyun would learn, years later, that Jongdae didn't like the way she was playing with him, just so Baekhyun would buy her cigs, or take some from Mama. 

 

Baekhyun was simply enjoying high school. It didn't even matter that he was the black sheep of his class, because he had Jongdae. And Mee Na would talk to him, even when other people were making fun. (She never told them to stop, but Baekhyun never really realized it.) 

 

High school was good. Even more when he met a new guy, who was a fan of _that particular band_.

A guy who went to their concert, who grabbed the guitarist's water bottle when it was thrown in the middle of the crowd, and who fell sick after drinking from it. (The guitarist was Baekhyun's favorite member. Jongdae, him, loved the singer the most. They were twins, but as different as air and water.) 

 

High school was cool, for a few months.

 

 

  
  



	14. Bully ?

__

The real problems began when Hyun-Seok came back.

__

 

Baekhyun was happy to see him back in the same school. Not that he wasn't seeing him outside the school, but at least they could enjoy being together in class. 

It didn't take more than a few days for the rumors to start spreading around the entire school. Hyun-Seok didn't want to talk about it. Pretending he didn't care, pretending it didn't affect him. Baekhyun didn't like how his heart was breaking at the idea that Mee Na was the one spreading the rumors about their sex life during their time together. (Baekhyun didn't like to think about Hyun-Seok with Mee Na. And they were so young, how could they already have a sex life ?) He didn't like to think that Mee Na was the one breaking his best friend. 

Honestly, Baekhyun didn't think things would turn that bad. He thought that the rumors would die, eventually. That the school would find new things to talk about. 

Maybe the school did. But the people in his class didn't. 

Baekhyun didn't really get it, why people thought it was so funny. Hyun-Seok sex life was nobody's business. 

For whatever reason, his classmates found a nickname for his best friend, and soon enough, everyone in his class was calling him _Kleenex_.

 

__

It should have stopped there, but it didn't.

__

 

Baekhyun loved Hyun-Seok, so obviously, he was going through hell with him. He wouldn't even think of letting him go through it alone. He tried his best to help him but he didn't honestly know what to do. 

Hyun-Seok didn't really seem affected by anything, at the beginning. He would even laugh and joke with Mee Na during the bus ride to go back home. He was still the same funny idiot he always was.

It all went down during one of their PE classes.

 

It was actually pretty stupid, how it all started. 

Their teacher, at the time, was an old guy, always entering the girl's locker-room without knocking, and everyone around school would call him an old pervert. He was hated by everyone, and you could hear around school all sorts of stories about him being a creepy and disgusting guy. It was common knowledge, really, that the guy should not be a teacher.

That day, during a gymnastic class, Baekhyun was waiting on the side, having sprained his wrist in whatever way (it happened so many times that he didn't actually remember. His wrist, his ankle. Baekhyun was the guy who, most of the time, had a splint.) and Jongdae was laughing with one of their classmate, Hanjun. (They both became really close, since Hyun-Seok came back. Baekhyun didn't particularly like the guy. He was kind of a pervert. Always talking about sex.) Hyun-Seok, him, was with the teacher and another classmate, doing something that Baekhyun couldn't care less about. (Really, PE was the worst.) 

At the end of the hour, all of his classmates were going back to their locker-rooms, when a voice was heard. Hyun-Seok was telling one of the girl to shut up, because _no, the teacher did not touch his butt just because he felt like it, but because Hyun-Seok actually needed the help._  A few seconds later, she was crying, and Hyun-Seok sighed. 

Junho, another guy, came closer, looking his best friend right in the eyes, and asked somebody for a _Kleenex_. 

It was the last straw for Hyun-Seok. Baekhyun didn't really have the time to process. Hyun-Seok was already running out of the gym, and Baekhyun ran after him, to make sure he was okay.

 

Seeing his best friend cry was painful.

Even more because it was the first time. 

Even more because Hyun-Seok was acting like nothing was happening during weeks, and he finally was breaking down.

 

__

Baekhyun was furious. 

__

 

Running back into the gym, Baekhyun could see that his classmates had not move a bit. Still all around the girl who was crying earlier, they were talking among themselves, and Baekhyun stomped his way to them, until he was standing straight on his feet, looking Junho right in the eyes, and finally letting everything out. 

 

"  Why the fuck are you so stupid ? Shouldn't you be a bit mature at least ? What's so fun about doing that ? Are you sure you're in high school ? 'Cause it feels a whole lot like pre school when you're acting like a stupid moron ! "

 

Junho wasn't happy. Probably 'cause it was the first time Baekhyun _finally_ said something. Maybe because Baekhyun called him a stupid moron. It didn't really matter, because Junho was coming closer, and Baekhyun, being kind of scared, just pushed Junho's shoulder to keep him away.

That was a mistake, he learned.

Junho's best friend didn't lose a second before punching Baekhyun in the nose, and a few seconds later, another guy was pulling on Baekhyun's hair so hard that he actually plucked off a handful of black hair. 

The teacher was looking at them from behind the other students. Baekhyun could see him. He could see him not moving, not doing anything. Just watching.

Jongdae didn't try to stop anyone, but he was at least looking worried.

Baekhyun pushed them away one last time, and started to run again. 

 

Hyun-Seok and Baekhyun stayed in the bathroom's stall until the end of the day. Enjoying each other's warmth, and never answering any of the text messages they got from Jongdae. 

 

__

After that day, it just got worse and worse. 

Hyun-Seok couldn't actually put a feet in his class without people looking at him or even insulting him.

Baekhyun didn't have it as bad as his best friend, but he did once find his school bag outside the classroom, and when he opened it, there was spit inside.

He was also being insulted, but he didn't care much about that. They were all the same insults he got in middle school.

Fatty.

Pig.

Disgusting.

He knew them all. 

He just sometimes wished Mee Na would once again tell them to stop. 

(She didn't.)

 

What hurt the most, Baekhyun thought, was Jongdae.

Jongdae, who decided to keep his distance. 

Baekhyun understood that being friend with them (with Hyun-Seok, really) was taking the risk to be on the weak side of the seesaw, but still, Jongdae was practically ignoring him, and Baekhyun didn't think it was actually possible for him to miss Jongdae.

 

 

 

  
  



	15. New.

After a while, it felt like his classmates were getting tired of picking on them. 

There were still some insults, thrown out there, just because they could, but they wouldn't actually come to them to do anything.

Hyun-Seok was feeling better. People wouldn't talk to him, and most of the time they would ignore him, but he was okay with that. He did almost lose his temper sometimes, when he heard the whispers and saw the looks people gave him, but Baekhyun was always there to calm him down. Jongdae wasn't, but that was another story.

After everything that happened, Baekhyun was kind of disappointed in Jongdae, but it never actually changed anything between them as Baekhyun never talked to him about it.

 

__

Maybe it was a good thing. 

__

 

High school was hell, so Baekhyun drowned himself even more into his passions. He created a blog about his favorite band. He would write, and write, and write and write. About how they made him feel. About how much he loved them. Baekhyun took his time. He wanted the blog to be perfect. Just like them.

No one knew about it, not even Jongdae. It was another one of Baekhyun's little secrets.

 

He didn't know what his blog really meant _at the time_.

 

__ 

Hanseol was back in Baekhyun's life on the last day of middle school. Baekhyun thought it was stupid, how they were not talking to each other without any good reason, so he decided to go talk to him, and things were back on track as easily as that.

They would talk a lot on Facebook, or by texts, because Hanseol wasn't in the same high school and they couldn't see each other a lot. 

Being friend with Hanseol again did change Baekhyun's life, not that he realized it at the beginning, but he would, _eventually_. 

__

 

__

It was also around that time that he decided he would become a vegetarian. 

__

 

 

Baekhyun had a crush on Han Mee Na for two years. He had come a long way. From just seeing her in the corridors of the middle school, to being able to talk to her everyday in high school, and even sit just behind her in class because she loved it when he played with her hair, Baekhyun felt really lucky to be able to be that close. 

 

He didn't really realized how his feelings started to change once Mee Na threw those rumours out there, hurting his best friend without a care in the world. Baekhyun didn't actually think that his feelings for her could change. He loved her. He loved her for so long, and it was just the way it was. It was comfortable, even though it was painful. Their relationship was easy because she knew how he felt, and he didn't have to worry about her finding out and never talk to him again. Baekhyun dared to think they were friends, even if they never put a tag on it. 

 

__

Being friend with Hanseol changed everything for Baekhyun. 

Hanseol was always looking for a girlfriend. He had a type, and since he did not find it here, he decided that the Internet would be the solution. At the time, dating apps weren't a thing, and the only thing Hanseol could do was entering Chatrooms on the Internet, and talk to strangers. Eventually, Hanseol did find a boyfriend, and it seemed to Baekhyun that he was happy. Hanseol also found friends, and added them on Facebok.

Facebook was the big thing when Baekhyun was in high school. It was the only thing, so Baekhyun was on Facebook, a lot. 

__

 

The first time he noticed her, was when she commented one of Hanseol's post. She was hilarious, Baekhyun thought, and the thought never left his head. 

He would see her a lot, after that. 

She was commenting Hanseol's posts almost everytime, and she would always find something funny to say. Baekhyun didn't know how, but it felt like she was always somewhere in his mind. He didn't actually know her. Nor did he ever talk to her, but seeing her comments was something that would put him in a good mood. 

 

__

He felt the need to talk to her.

__

 

They happened to comment on the same post once, and Baekhyun felt so happy suddenly, when Shinsoo talked to him instead of just watching her from afar. 

He never had the urge to see what she looked like before that day. He clicked on her name, and went through her profile pictures to look at her and smile. She was pretty, Baekhyun thought.

 

A few minutes later, Shinsoo added him on Facebook, and for quite some time, they were friends but they never talked to each other. 

 

__

Baekhyun thought it was kind of creepy, what he was gonna do, but he really needed to talk to her. 

__

 

He had no clue on how to start a convo with her. He didn't want to feel awkward, or to be seen like a creepy stalker. He just wanted to talk to her. It was killing him. 

 

He sent her a DM. Simple. Clear.

 

" Hey, how are you ? "

 

And then he was too scared.

 

" HA ! I'm sorry, it wasn't for you ! It was for Hanseol ! "

 

Baekhyun was an idiot. A scared idiot.

But Shinsoo answered him anyway.

 

 " Haha, it's okay, no problem. You're friend with Hanseol so it doesn't really suprises me to see that you're dumb just like him ;) "

 

It wasn't mean, Baekhyun knew it. She was just trying to be funny. Baekhyun didn't really know what to say so he improvised.

 

" True true x) Anyway, I'm sorry :) "

" Again, no problem :) "

 

It stopped there, and Baekhyun hated himself because he chickened out. He knew there was probaly no hope for him to talk to her again, so he gave up and clicked on the tab to go back his blog. 

 

__

 _Cling_.

 

The little sound made him jump a little, and he growled before opening his Facebook tab again. 

The window from his convo with Shinsoo was blinking in red and blue, calling him. Telling him to open it and read the new message.

Baekhyun was excited, his heart was beating, and his eyes wouldn't look away from his screen.

He opened it.

 

" I really love what you did with your profile picture ! How did you do that ? "

 

Baekhyun liked to play with Photoshop. He never thought it would make him talk to his crush.

__

 

From his profile picture, to animes, mangas, music and food. Sometimes movies, and sometimes just life, Baekhyun and Shinsoo talked all night long, only going to bed around 4am. Baekhyun didn't really care that he had class the next day, because Shinsoo keeping him awake was Shinsoo keeping him alive.

He learned, that night, that she was two years older than him. She was born in July, on a Friday, the 13th. She was actually proud of that.

He learned that she loved Metal. Her favorite band was Avenged Sevenfold. She was also a big fan of Bring Me The Horizon, Bullet For My Valentine, Metallica, Iron Maiden, or even Black Sabbath. 

Shinsoo played the guitar, and she was living with her mom and stepdad. Her relationship with her mom wasn't perfect. Sometimes it was bad. Sometimes it was good. 

She had a boyfriend. 

She met him on the Internet. 

She was scared of spiders.

She lived really far from here.

She was fun.

So so fun.

So nice.

__ 

 

Shinsoo and Baekhyun went from barely knowing each other to becoming best friends over a night. 

 

__

Baekhyun couldn't possiblly keep it to himself, and he told Hyun-Seok about his new crush.

__

 

Baekhyun didn't know.

 

 

 

 

 


	16. Said.

Shinsoo was funny. 

Shinsoo was probably the funniest girl Baekhyun had ever talked to.

Maybe he was kind of biased, because of his feelings for her, but he really thought she was hilarious.

__

 

Their relationship moved so fast. It was like one day, Baekhyun did not know her, but the day after that, she was everything to him.

They would talk. All nights long. Everyday. As soon as Baekhyun would be back from school. She didn't have a cellphone so at least he could still try to focus on his lessons during the day (even though, most of the time, Baekhyun was having fun with Hyun-Seok instead of listening).

Hyun-Seok knew about Shinsoo, but he never really talked about it. Neither did Jongdae. They never told him how he felt, even though they knew. Baekhyun had a hard time figuring out his feelings, because how could he fell in love so easily ? So fast ? And what about Mee Na ?

 

Mee Na, who still sat in front of him during lessons, just so he could play with her hair.

Mee Na who still laughed with him in the bus, on their way home.

Mee Na, who still, sometimes, talked to him like she never talked to Jongdae, or Hyun-Seok.

 

But maybe, being friends with Mee Na was okay now. Maybe, slowly, surely, without even realizing it, Baekhyun started to drift away. His heart beating properly, laughing happily because the joke was funny. Not laughing when it wasn't, even though it was Mee Na telling it. Maybe, just maybe, being friends with Mee Na was all it was ever going to be. And maybe, Baekhyun didn't want more than that. Maybe Baekhyun felt content with the way things were now.

Maybe Shinsoo did take all those feelings. Maybe Baekhyun was moving on.

 

__

Shinsoo and Baekhyun talked, officially, for the very first time, on the 3rd of December. Baekhyun couldn't forget it, because it was the day things changed in his life. Baekhyun also thought that it could be an important day to remember, and so, he never forgot it. 

__

 

Baekhyun put his entire being into updtating his blog and making it look nice. His entire heart into his posts. Putting the feelings into words and sharing them on the Internet. 

Writing was so easy for him. Writing just came to him. The words flew through his fingers and appeared on the screen, or on the paper, without even actually thinking about it. Everyday, without missing one, Baekhyun would pick up a pen, and let it all out. It felt good. Like a weight was lifted off his shoulders, off his heart. Writing made Baekhyun happier. Made him feel better. 

Seeing people actually reading his blog was a weird feeling. It was contentment, happiness, and fear. 

Baekhyun never really thought that people would read, even less _comment_ his posts so it came quite as a shock to see all the people who were actually waiting for him to post something. Baekhyun obviously didn't become an Internet sensation over the night, but still, seeing at least 5 comments on his blog everyday made him feel special. People liked what he wrote. They liked the way he put things into words. They liked what came from his heart. Baekhyun didn't know it would feel so good. 

Baekhyun found people who knew how he felt. 

Baekhyun was a bit less alone. 

 

__

 On the 21st of November, after opening a tab for his blog, he saw the notification telling him he just received a new comment. It was now a common occurence, but it still made his heart flip, and he clicked on the notification really fast. 

The comment, from Xx-HoOoshiii-xX,  was one of the nicest he ever had, and Baekhyun didn't waste anytime to answer it. 

__

 

That year, December was the month when it all happened. Baekhyun wouldn't have guess, at that time, that everyone he met would mean so much, but today, Baekhyun just knew. 

It wasn't always good, but it wasn't necessarily bad either. 

 

__

He was talking with Shinsoo one day, a few weeks after they first talked to each other all night long. 

Everything was going so well, Baekhyun thought. Talking to Shinsoo was easy. They both had the same humour and liked the same things. It was comfortable, it was familiar, and Baekhyun wasn't even thinking about it, when he told her he loved her. It came out naturally, while saying goodbye, and when Shinsoo said " _I love you too_ ", Baekhyun knew it didn't mean the same thing, but he was happy anyway.

Baekhyun didn't really know where he gathered up the courage to tell her that it was more than just platonic love. It took it years before he was able to actually say something to Mee Na, and he did it because Mee Na already knew anyway. Maybe it was different because he was actually already friend with Shinsoo. Maybe he felt good enough at the time, _confident_ enough to think that telling her about his real feelings wouldn't be a risk for their relationship. Or maybe it was because they knew each other for so little time and Baekhyun thought it would hurt less if she wanted to put a stop right there in their friendship. Baekhyun didn't know much. Except that he loved her, and he didn't want to lie to her. 

He wasn't surprised, when Shinsoo answered him. Baekhyun wasn't stupid enough to think that someone like her, someone so funny, nice, and talented, could actually be in love with him as well. He knew what was going to happen, but it didn't hurt less, when she told him he was more like a brother. It didn't hurt less, when, after that day, they went from friends to best friends, and Baekhyun had to hear all about Shinsoo's love life. And it certainly didn't hurt less, when Shinsoo found a new boyfriend and Baekhyun had to smile and say he was happy for her. 

 

__

A few days after Christmas, Baekhyun received another comment on his blog. He was glad to see that Xx-HoOoshiii-xX was back. After talking for a few hours, that first day in November, the guy had disappeared and Baekhyun never received any more answers to his message. He felt happy to see that he was here again. 

Baekhyun learned a lot about the guy that day. First about his love for _that_ band. Second, about his love for dance. Third, about his love for Japan. They talked for hours, learning new things about each other without ever feeling bored. He told Baekhyun he couldn't answer him because his computer had died, and his phone wouldn't allow him to post any comment. It was now okay, because he had a MacBook Pro for christmas, so he was finally able to come back here. He told him he was happy to be there again, because he missed Baekhyun's words and he binged read all of the new articles Baekhyunh had posted since he last visited his blog. 

Baekhyun told him he was happy to talk to him again. He talked about the band, and how he got one of their Tour's DVD for Christmas, how he watched it, crying and laughing, and singing. He asked him what kind of dance the guy liked. Since when was he dancing. He talked about his love for a certain Musical. He told him how his words meant the world to him. How happy he was to see that he liked his blog.

The guy told him he loved that DVD because it reminded him of the concert he went to. He told him about the various times he saw _that_ band he liked so much. He told him that his favorite person in the band was the singer, but he loved the four of them more than anything. The guy told him he loved that Musical too. He told him he actually when backstage and met the singers and dancers with his Dance School. Told him how great it was, how nice they were all, how much fun he had. 

Baekhyun told him how he was so very jealous of him. Seeing _that_ band was his dream. He told him about that time when he was supposed to go to their concert, but Jongdae decided to use his money to buy an expensive perfume, instead of buying himself a ticket, and Mama wasn't okay with Baekhyun going to the concert alone, because it was far away. He also told him he was happy that he had the chance to see them, _because he was_. Baekhyun also playfully said he was jealous because the entire cast of the Musical seemed so so nice. At last, Baekhyun finally asked his name.

So he answered. Jongin he said. 

Jongin told him how shitty what Jongdae did was, and how he wished Baekhyun would be able to see _that_ band one day. He told him they were indeed nice, even though one of them was kind of really flirty when he was an adult and Jongin was only 15. He told him he could show Baekhyun his pictures of the cast on Facebook, if he wanted to. Jongin answered finally, that he was dancing since he was at least 3 years old, and that he decided to really become a dancer when he was 12 and saw a Musical. Jongin talked about his ex best friends. About how they hurt him, and how hard it was for him now, to trust someone. He told Baekhyun it was weird that he was able to talk about them to him so freely, easily, because he never could before.  

Baekhyun said yes, and added Jongin on Facebook. He also sad he was glad that Jongin could talk to him, and that he would be there for him if he needed to talk about anything.

Jongin tagged him on a picture of himself with the cast, hugging Baekhyun's favorite singer from the Musical. Jongin said thanks, and told him a few things.

Baekhyun said he wanted to kill him. He also said it was normal to listen to him.

Jongin laughed. Jongin smiled.

They gave each other their phone numbers.

Baekhyun made a new friend, and told him about his relationship with Shinsoo.

Jongin said he wished they would end up together, and that he was there for Baekhyun if he ever wanted to talk about it.

Baekhyun said thanks.

Jongin was his new friend.

Baekhyun was happy.

 

 

 

 


	17. Facebook.

__ 

In January, Shinsoo's boyfriend broke up with her, for a reason Baekhyun wasn't aware of. It didn't really matter if she wanted to tell him or not, he just wanted to comfort her. Tell her it was gonna be okay, and she would find someone who loved her deeply. It hurt him, but it was true. 

__

 

__

She went on and off with her ex-boyfriend. Baekhyun couldn't really do anything about it.

__

 

In the middle of February, the 11th, Baekhyun was invited over at Hyun-Seok's to play video games. The Wii was out for a few years already, but Baekhyun didn't own one, so he was really glad that Hyun-Seok's brother in law was going to bring his so they could play. 

Baekhyun was supposed to leave soon, Hyun-Seok's would be waiting for him on the parking lot near Baekhyun's house so they could walk to Hyun-Seok's place together. It wasn't near, but it wasn't so far that they couldn't walk to there anyway. Baekhyun was used to it. He hated excersizing, but walking for about 30 minutes with Hyun-Seok's was something he liked to do. They always had fun.

 

He was almost ready, and he was on Facebook, as usual. Talking to Shinsoo, telling him how excited he was about playing video games, and sleeping over at Hyun-Seok's place. Shinsoo told him to have fun. Baekhyun told her he would. He said 'goodbye', and she said 'see you'. Baekhyun said 'I love you', and Shinsoo said 'I love you too'. Baekhyun sent a heart, and a smiley. Shinsoo didn't answer for a few minutes.

He was putting on a shoe when he heard the little Cling Facebook would make anytime someone messaged him. He straightened up in his chair, and looked up on his screen, Shinsoo's name blinking in blue and red. He clicked.

 

" You don't understand, Baekhyun " 

 

She sent.

 

" What do you mean, I don't understand ? "

 

Baekhyun put on his other shoe.

 

" I love you. "

 

She answered.

 

" I love you too. "

 

Baekhyun said. 

 

" No, Baekhyun. "

 

Baekhyun didn't get it.

 

" I love you. I really do. "

 

" Ok..? "

 

" I love you. More than someone should love their best friend. "

 

Baekhyun was stupid.

 

" What ? "

 

" I love you Baekhyun. More than a friend. "

 

" No you don't.. "

 

" Yes I do "

 

" But you said you didn't.. "

 

" I know. "

 

" You can't say that to me right now ! "

 

" Why not ? "

 

" Because you know I'm leaving soon and we won't be able to talk until tomorrow and how am I supposed to proccess that ?? "

 

" I love you, Baekhyun. That's all. "

 

" What does that even mean ?? "

 

" That you're my boyfriend. If you want to. "

 

Baekhyun thought he was gonna die. Surely, his heart was going to explode. His cheeks were burning. 

 

" You love me ?? "

 

" Yes, I do. "

 

" I love you too.. "

 

" I know. "

 

" I want to be your boyfriend.. "

 

" I know. "

 

" Can I ? "

 

" Yes. "

 

His heart did not explode. Nor did it implode. But it felt like it. When the bell rang and Baekhyun knew it was Hyun-Seok, who had waited too long for him on the parking lot so he came. When he had to say goodbye to Shinsoo for real because she still did not have a cellphone. When Shinsoo told him to have fun. When she sent a kissy face. When she told him she loved him. When she sent a heart. When she called him _Babe_. 

It felt like it. When Baekhyun realized how happy he was. It felt like it. When Baekhyun finally understood what happiness was. It felt like it, when Baekhyun changed his relationship status on Facebook from 'Single' to 'In a relationship'. It felt like it, when he sent a text to Jongin to tell him about it. It felt like it when he told Hyun-Seok about what Shinsoo told him. It also felt like it when he told Jongdae.

It felt like it, when he came back home, the following day, and Shinsoo sent him a message to ask him how it was, and more certainly, it felt like it when she told him she loved him again, when they had to go to sleep that night. 

 

 

__

Baekhyun was happy, _for now_. 

 

 

 

 


	18. Lose.

Baekhyun never hid anything from Hyun-Seok. He did not hide his love for Shinsoo, neither did he hide his new friendship with Jongin.

Hyun-Seok didn't make any comment about that new friendship, _at the beginning_.

Baekhyun talked about Jongin a lot. He wasn't aware of it. He really liked Jongin. They didn't have much in common, to be honest. But they had fun, and Baekhyun could talk to him about anything.

 

Jongdae would tell him, years later, that he was constantly talking about Jongin at the time. 

 

__

Hyun-Seok wasn't one to let people say something about him without doing anything. He was impulsive, and he knew how to use his fists. They were already in their second year of high school, and most people stopped talking about him. Jongdae's new friend transfered, and Jongdae was back at Baekhyun's side. Their first year nightmare was over, for the most part. Still, a guy from another class wouldn't stop making fun of Hyun-Seok. 

It wasn't even surprising, Baekhyun thought, when, in the middle of the line to the cafeteria, Hyun-Seok grabbed his collar and try to punch him. Jongdae wasn't a big guy, so the only thing he could do was hitting Hyun-Seok with his tray to make him stop. Baekhyun, him, was pulling on his shirt, trying to grab his arms and to free the other guy. Sure, he couldn't stand the guy, but still, he wasn't going to let Hyun-Seok beat someone up. 

__

 

Hyun-Seok wasn't one to let people say something about him. He wasn't one to let people walk on him. And he certainly wasn't one to keep his feelings, or anything else, for himself.

If Baekhyun had one thing to say about Hyun-seok, he knew exactly what it would be. 

Don't get him wrong, he loved Hyun-Seok, but sometimes his best friend was just too much. 

In his words. In his acts. 

Sometimes, during PE, Jongdae, Hyun-Seok and Baekhyun would hide somewhere behind the gym, and Hyun-Seok would talk about his sex life for the entire hour. It was awkward for Baekhyun, as much as it was awkward for Jongdae. They didn't exactly want to know what their friend did in the shower to please himself. Nor did they wanna know what he did with his girlfriend. Baekhyun didn't feel comfortable enough to hear about it, but he never said anything to Hyun-Seok, because he knew best friend were supposed to talk about this kind of things, and he wanted to be a good best friend. 

 

__ 

Hyun-Seok wasn't one to hide his feelings, so it came as a shock for Baehyun when his best friend sent him a message on Facebook, to talk about Jongin. 

It wasn't a short message either. It honestly felt like an almost-break-up letter to Baekhyun. Some lines made him feel like they actually were in a romantic relationship, and Hyun-Seok was jealous. He could understand, that Hyun-Seok would feel jealous over him having friends that close, but he didn't understand why Hyun-Seok would act like that. Because the line " Now, you have to choose. It's either Jongin, or I. " didn't feel like a proper reaction to the situation at hands. 

He didn't really know how to react. Hyun-Seok never once told anything about his feelings towards Jongin. Baekhyun had no idea. But he answered anyway. Trying to comfort him, and assured him Jongin was a friend, but no one was ever gonna replace Hyun-Seok. 

It seemed to do the trick, for a few months.

__

 

Their friendship was really important to Baekhyun, so he never once said or did anything that could hurt Hyun-Seok. 

Hyun-seok, on the other hand, did laugh at one of the insult that a guy from their class threw towards Baekhyun. 

That " _Move your fat ass, cow_ " hit Baekhyun straight in his chest, even though he acted like it didn't affect him. 

He also thought that, maybe, Hyun-Seok wasn't laughing at him. Maybe it was something else. Maybe Baekhyun had missed a joke from Jongdae. 

 

__

 

Baekhyun was used to being alone on Valentine's Day. It never really affected him because he thought it was a day like any other. He didn't know what his _girlfriend_ thought about that day, and he didn't ask. They were together for less than a week, he didn't want to seem clingy. He realized he was more cliché than he thought when, 3 days into his relationship with Shinsoo, upon seeing the " Happy Valentine's Day " she sent him, his heart started to beat faster. 

 

__ 

Shinsoo had a lot of friends. A lot of _guy_  friends. It wasn't new to Baekhyun. He was aware of it since the very beginning of their friendship. Still, it didn't change the fact that one of those guys, Jisung, was really, really too present in Shinsoo's life in Baekhyun's opinion. Posting on her Facebook wall almost every two hours, and tagging her in pictures that were supposed to be funny (maybe Baekhyun would have thought they were funny if he wasn't so jealous). 

Baekhyun kind of hated the guy. He did. Really. Badly. But he wasn't going to say anything to Shinsoo. He wasn't going to let the jealousy win, and tell her about the way he felt. They were together for a week. Baekhyun wasn't stupid. He knew what he would look like. He could handle it. He did it for months before that. 

__

 

Baekhyun loved Shinsoo. He really did. And everyone around him seemed to be happy for him as well.

Baekhyun had a hard time telling Mama that he had a _girlfriend_ , but she smiled and told him that she kind of knew something was up because he had changed. He was taking care of his skin, cleaning up his room, brushing his hair properly on his days off. She had a positive effect on him.

Baekhyun never told Baekbeom because, really,  _how awkward_ would that be ?

 

One day, in the middle of a lesson, Mee Na tapped him on the arm. Baekhyun wouldn't sit behind her to play with her hair anymore. It's not that it bothered him, but he didn't think Shinsoo would like to know that he was doing that with another girl, when they couldn't even see each other for real, and only through low quality cameras. He turned around to look at her and before he could ask anything, she started.

 

" Who's the girl on Facebook who tagged you on one of her picture ? "

 

Baekhyun supposed Mee Na was curious. It was normal between friends.

 

" You mean Shinsoo ? "

 

Mee Na nodded.

 

" Is it true she's your girlfriend ? "

 

Baekhyun smiled with all his teeth. He liked hearing the word. He wasn't use to it, but it made him happy.

 

" Yes, she is. "

" I see. "

 

Mee Na didn't say more than that. Just looked at him for a few more seconds before looking down at her notebook.

Baekhyun never talked about Shinsoo with Mee Na again, because it seemed like Mee Na always changed the subject when it came to her.

 

__

Baekhyun loved Shinsoo, and he never thought the downfall would be that hard. 

He never thought it would so painful, when a day before their first month anniversary, she told him she didn't actually love him _like_ _that_.He didn't thought she could break his heart so easily, without any notice, any sign, anything. He never thought the words " _I'm sorry_ " could be that hurtful. 

Honestly, Baekhyun felt like the past month was just a dream. Now he was back in the nightmare that was his life. 

Baekhyun never thought he could feel so numb again. So empty again.

Baekhyun just said okay.

Baekhyun lost his _girlfriend_.

But Shinsoo was his best friend, and he didn't lose her. 

 

__

Baekhyun felt like his entire world was crumbling down, but it was only Shinsoo, dragging him at the bottom of the pit everyday a little bit more. Maybe being friends wasn't a good idea. Maybe the pain Baekhyun felt was the reason people did not stay friend with their exes. Because seeing her going on with her life like nothing happened was actually killing Baekhyun. Just not as much as when, two days after their break up, she told him she was dating Jisung. Baekhyun felt stupid. He felt like an idiot, because _he knew_. From the very beginning. He knew he couldn't trust Jisung, and he knew he should have said something. But _he_ never did.

__

 

It took a long time for Baekhyun to fully understand that even though Shinsoo never really loved him like he did, it didn't mean she did not love him at all. Things weren't all black or all white. Truth was, Shinsoo probably never saw him as boyfriend material. Not that Baekhyun would know, because she never explained to him. 

She didn't explain either, why suddenly, 3 months after they broke up, she deleted her Facebook account. Nor why she deleted her blog, her MSN Messenger account, and never answered any of Baekhyun's message, ever again. 

 

And just like that, Baekhyun had lost his best friend. 

 

 

 

 


	19. Last blow.

Baekhyun realized, painfully, that even though it hurt like hell, life wouldn't stop just to let him breathe. Actually, the more it hurt, the faster life was passing by, spraying salted water on his open wounds, laughing at his stupidity.

The Universe liked to hurt him, and the final blow came a few months later, when Baekhyun thought he was actually going to be okay. 

__

 

Between the moment of his break up, and the final blow, Baekhyun met another girl, on Facebook as well. She was friend with Hyun-seok, and added him without saying anything. Baekhyun asked why, and she only said that since he was Hyun-Seok's best friend, he probably was really funny as well. He didn't really know if that was a good reason to add someone on Facebook, but it didn't really matter, and they started talking anyway.

Ha-Neul was a nice girl. She was older than him. She liked the same music as Shinsoo, and Baekhyun was happy about it because it felt like Shinsoo was still there, just a little bit. She was funny, carefree, and she would text him a lot. Baekhyun would always answer, no matter what she said. 

Ha-Neul, unlike Shinsoo, lived about half an hour away from here. She wanted to see him, because they had loads of fun when they talked by text messages. Baekhyun said yes, because why not ? Ha-Neul said something along the lines of " I will probably kiss you when I'll see you ". Baekhyun laughed and answered with an " I bet you won't ". Ha-Neul playfully said " You'll see ", and Baekhyun never thought it was a serious conversation. 

On a Wednesday afternoon, she took the bus, and arrived at Baekhyun's town around 2pm. Baekhyun was waiting for her with Hyun-Seok at their usual hang out place, in front of the city hall. he asked his best friend to come, because he felt awkward meeting someone he've never seen before. Hyun-Seok said yes, because he wasn't the shy type, and he knew her before Baekhyun did. 

 

Hyun-Seok said hi to her, and then it was Baekhyun's turn. They smiled shyly (or maybe it was just him) and the three of them decided to walk to the park behind the city hall. There was a playground, and they climbed on the top of the slide, where a little wooden house usually welcomed the children. Ha-Neul was looking at him with a smile, and Baekhyun was looking at Hyun-Seok because he didn't really what to do. His best friend pull out his phone form his pocket, and Ha-Neul started to talk.

 

" We have a bet, Baekhyun "

" ..We do "

 

Baekhyun wasn't expecting that, it was all a joke to him.

 

" What's the bet ? "

 

Hyun-Seok already knew about it, because he saw the texts Baekhyun had in his phone.

 

" I said I was going to kiss him. He said I wouldn't. "

 

Hyun-Seok smiled, looking up at Baekhyun, and opened the camera on his phone.

 

" Ok, let's see that. I'll take a picture to prove that you really did it. "

 

Ha-Neul didn't seem to feel the least embarassed. She sat down, pulling Baekhyun with her, and she looked at him.

Baekhyun wasn't sure what was going to happen. He didn't think Ha-Neul was actually going to kiss him. People didn't do that, did they ?

But apparently they did, and a few seconds later, Ha-Neul made him turn around, and pecked his lips.

 

Baekhyun wasn't expecting for his first kiss to be like this. 

 

Also, Hyun-Seok was a piece of shit, Baekhyun thought.

 

" Wait a minute ! We can't see anything on that picture ! "

" We can't ? " Ha-Neul asked.

" Nope ! Gotta take another one ! You ready ? "

 

Ha-Neul nodded, smiled, and looked at Baekhyun once again. Baekhyun blinked a few times, and finally leaned in to peck her lips. 

It felt awkward, honestly, because Baekhyun had a weird smile on his face, his eyes half open, and he didn't know where to put his hands. Also because they didn't move. They were there, lips against lips, waiting for Hyun-Seok to take the picture, and once that was done, they pulled appart and Ha-Neul smiled to him. 

 

Baekhyun would always remember his first kiss. 

It didn't mean it was a good one. 

 

Hyun-Seok, Ha-Neul and Baekhyun spent the entire afternoon, joking, laughing, and having fun. It was actually a pretty good day. Under the sun, and out with friends, Baekhyun, for the first time in months, actually felt good. 

 

At the end of the day, they were waiting for Ha-Neul's bus. Hyun-seok was talking, and they were listening to him. The bus arrived shortly after Hyun-Seok stopped talking, and Ha-Neul told him goodbye before looking at Baekhyun. 

He smiled to her, saying goodbye and see you soon, and Ha-Neul smiled back. He wasn't expected her to grab his face and kiss him square on the lips once again, but she did, and without saying anything, she climbed on the bus, and she left. 

 

Hyun-Seok laughed at Baekhyun's face. 

 

__

A few weeks after that day, Ha-Neul asked him on Facebook if he would be her boyfriend.

Maybe, at any other time, Baekhyun would have said yes. But Baekhyun said no. He couldn't be with her. Not when he was still in love with Shinsoo. Not when his heart wasn't open to anyone else. Not when Ha-Neul deserved better.

 

They slowly drifted appart after that day, but Baekhyun knew he made the good choice.

__

 

Hyun-Seok did not agree with him.

 

__

The final blow, came months after that, at the end of the school day, in the bus taking them back home. 

Well, it actually was a slow final blow, because it started during the afternoon, when they were waiting in the hallways for their teacher, before entering the classroom. Or maybe it started even before that, when Baekhyun wasn't actually paying attention. Maybe it started a few days earlier. Maybe a few weeks. Maybe a few months. There was no good answer, but what happened that afternoon was the last straw. 

Baekhyun was used to it, hearing the guys from his class talking about him, and saying he was an _ugly fat ass cow_. They weren't reallly imaginative, Baekhyun thought sometimes. 

Baekhyun would never say anything when they talked about him. First, because he had that image of the strong guy that nothing can affect, and Baekhyun didn't want people to see he was hurt. Second, because it didn't really matter to him, that they would talk like that. As long as it wans't about his friends, he was okay. 

When they talked about Hyun-Seok, Baekhyun would say something. When a girl talked about how jongdae would probably the hottest guy in their class, if he started to wear diffrent clothes, Baekhyun said something. But when it was about him, he didn't really care. He endured worse, a few insults like that weren't much.

He was used to it and he never said anything. But Hyun-Seok opened his mouth, and Baekhyun looked at him, his heart falling at his feet. 

It wasn't the first time, but Baekhyun always found excuses for him. 

_Maybe he didn't hear properly._

_Maybe he was laughing at something else._

_Maybe he was thinking about something.  
_

Baekhyun didn't want to think that his best friend would laugh about something like that. He didn't want to think that his best friend would laugh _at_ him, instead of laughing _with_ him.

But Hyun-Seok did. Baekhyun couldn't really ignore it anymore. Not when Jongdae was looking at him like that, almost saying sorry with his eyes because of Hyun-Seok's behavior. Jongdae didn't do anything, but still felt guilty. Baekhyun couldn't ignore it anymore, and all the laughs came back at once, punching him in the guts, telling him to accept the truth. 

 

Baekhyun didn't say anything to Hyun-Seok, because he didn't know what to say. So instead of starting a fight, he talked about something else. Hyun-Seok asked him something about Jongin, and Baekhyun answered. Jongdae looked at him, and Baekhyun knew that he understood. 

__

 

They were waiting for the bus, when Baekhyun started talking about Jongin again because of the text the latter had just sent to him. He didn't get it, why suddenly Hyun-Seok sighed deeply, and started screaming at him. He didn't get it because as far as he knew, Baekhyun stopped talking about Jongin all the time. After Hyun-Seok's message on Facebook, Baekhyun had been careful, sometimes asking Jongdae to tell him if he was talking about his new friend too much. Jongdae never said anything, because Baekhyun wasn't talking the one talking about Jongin. Hyun-Seok was. Asking question, making comparisons, being curious. Baekhyun answered, but he never elaborated. Hyun-Seok was the one always mentionning Jongin, without even knowing him. So when Hyun-Seok told him to stop, Baekhyun didn't understand, and after what happened earlier, he didn't even want to calm him down. Baekhyun climbed on the bus, followed by Jongdae, and they both sat down at the very end, not looking at Hyun-Seok sitting a few seats in front of them. 

 

__

Baekhyun pulled out his phone when he felt it vibrating against his thigh. He unlocked it to see a text message from Hyun-Seok. Lookin up to see Jongdae watching him, he showed him the notification, before opening the message.

Once again, Baekhyun felt like Hyun-Seok and him were in a romantic relationship. One that was ending, at that very moment. 

 

" You and I are done. I'm tired of always being second. Always having to hear about Jongin. Don't even talk to me ever again. I'm done. With you and Jongdae both. "

 

Honestly, Baekhyun thought it was a dumb text. He was tired and he didn't want to deal with it. He wasn't sure if he was actually the one at fault, or if it was Hyun-Seok. At that very moment, all he wanted to do was be home and sleep. 

 

The fact that Hyun-Seok ended his relationship with Jongdae as well didn't affect the later. Jongdae and Hyun-Seok knew each other a long time. They met during the first year of middle school, but Jongdae never felt like he was important to Hyun-Seok. Truth was, Hyun-Seok would often act friendly towards Jongdae when he had no one else, but as soon as he had new friends, Jongdae was forgotten. Jongdae never said anything, because he hated confrontation, but that message was actually good news to him. He felt lighter, all of the sudden.

__

 

They didn't talk, for a few days. Maybe a week, maybe a bit more. 

Baekhyun told everything to Jongin, and Jongin felt bad. He said he was sorry. He didn't want to cause any troubles, he didn't want Baekhyun to lose his best friend. Baekhyun told him he didn't have to be sorry. Jongin did not do anything. Jongin was nice. Jongin was a good guy.

 

Jongdae was sleeping at his place, on a Friday night, when the house phone started ringing. Mama answered it, asking who it was, and turning to Baekhyun because it was Hyun-Seok. Jongdae looked at him, frowning, and Baekhyun grabbed the phone, running upstairs with Jongdae, to be alone in his room. He answered, cold and distant. 

 

" What ? "

 

Hyun-Seok was crying. It was painful to hear. Baekhyun felt like his heart was being torn, ripped. He hated it. He hated the fact that Hyun-Seok wasn't happy. Wasn't smiling, or laughing. Baekhyun felt guilty. Baekhyun felt like he was a piece of shit for making him feel like that. 

But Hyun-Seok. Hyun-Seok did things he couldn't forgive. Nor forget.

Hyun-Seok, since that very last time they talked to each other, said things about Baekhyun's life, Baekhyun's brothers, Baekhyun's nightmares, to some people in their class. There were things, that Baekhyun never said to anyone, except Hyun-Seok. Personnal. Important. Tragic. Disgusting. Depressing. Secret. And Hyun-Seok opened his mouth, babbling about it to the worst people.

So yes, Baekhyun hated himself for making Hyun-Seok cry, but when his best friend asked him to forgive him, Baekhyun just couldn't.

 

" I'm done with you, Hyun-Seok. I've forgiven too many times before. I'm tired of always having to forgive you. It was the last time Hyun-Seok. "

 

Hyun-Seok cried harder. He said he could understand. He said he didn't want to hurt him. He said he wouldn't be mad at Baekhyun. And he asked for Jongdae. Baekhyun asked him how he knew Jongdae was there, and Hyun-Seok told him he called at Jongdae's place, and his mom told him. Baekhyun blinked, and looked at his friend, sitting on his bed, frantically shaking his head no, his hands moving fast in front of him, and he understood.

 

" Jongdae doesn't want to talk to you."

 

The last blow ended just like that. Over the phone, Jongdae watching him ending everything with his best friend, and Hyun-Seok crying loudly on the other side of the handset. 

 

High school was _fun_.

 

 

 

 


End file.
